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Our History of Bagel Sandwich Inventing
We Invented the Bagel Sandwich
It is a proven fact that the founders of BabbleWorks.com, the predecessor LLC of the Depot Street Mafia, invented the bagel sandwich. As Gang Leader & CEO Chris Combatti recalled in his autobiography, "We were out drinking all night, just partying like animals, me, Johnny, Weston, some other friends, we were so drunk, so fucking drunk...
"So morning rolls around, and get this, we're still partying. I mean, it was like something out of a movie. But now we're hungry. The harder drugs have worn off, and we need to eat something before we pass out. One problem back then, though, was no one knew what to eat in the morning, because the bagel sandwich had not yet been invented. I mean, some people ate croissanwiches, but you could tell they were miserable. You wanted none of that noise.
"So anyway, it's getting to be late morning now, and all of a sudden, the three of us look at each other and all at the same time, we go 'let's invent the bagel sandwich.' And then we did. And it's been a huge hit."
Imagine what delicacies we can invent for your restaurant. Some kind of drink maybe? A totally new form of burrito? A new kind of table-setting? Our food scientists are already working on it.
If You've Ever Made or Eaten a Bagel Sandwich, You Owe Us Money
Because of a clause in the North American Free Trade Agreement, anyone who has ever made or eaten a bagel sandwich owes us $1, per bagel sandwich.
For that reason, we pretty much own Dunkin Donuts. I mean, not officially or anything, but they owe us a shitload of money.
And so do you. Yes, you. We know you've had a few. Everyone has. What else are you going to eat in the morning? A waffle? Is this Soviet Russia, with the god damn waffle eating? No. Odds are, you've had 2 or 3 bagel sandwiches a week for the last 20 years. That's when we invented them. 20 years ago, give or take. We were pretty drunk so we can't totally recall.
But the point is, send us whatever amount of money you know, deep in your heart, you just know you owe us that bagel sandwich money.
Our Bagel Sandwich Promise to You
Because of the awesome responsibility of having created the bagel sandwich, we hold ourselves to the following promises.
First, we will never stop working to create a more perfect bagel sandwich, or to create something even better than the bagel sandwich. Our DSM/Jet Propulsion Laboratory is currently working to combine our groundbreaking motherfucking rocket ship technologies with everything we know about having invented the bagel sandwich. So... hopefully something good happens there.
Secondly, we will fucking track you down if you don't pay what you owe. Seriously. Send us those bagel sandwich royalties. We're running a business here, not a charity.
Thirdly, actually, we do run a charity, or, help fund one anyway. And this is one of those parts of this god damn website that is not some dumb fucking joke. DSM are proud underwriters of the Johnny Nicoll Scholarship Fund, administered through the Center for Cartoon Studies, and in honor of the best person any of us ever met. Our brother. Our best friend. Our spirit guide.
So those bagel sandwiches you've been eating...
Time To Pay Up
$1.00
As has been proven repeatedly throughout this page, you assholes owe us $1 for each bagel sandwich you've produced or consumed. You gotta pay what you owe.
DSM/JPL and the Future of Bagel Sandwich Telemetry
A 20 Year Quest To Create The Ultimate Breakfast Sandwich
Not long after launching our first motherfucking rocketship, DSM Space Command realized a critical flaw in our plans to keep getting drunk as shit in low earth orbit. The food up there sucks. Freeze dried chickens for breakfast? I did not spend billions of Elon Musk's dollars to drink bourbon from a sippy cup and eat freeze dried fucking chickens.
Within weeks, we launched the Bagel Sandwich Telemetry program. The goal then and now is to make everyone's favorite breakfast treat as bad ass as a motherfucking rocketship. Because if we can launch a Tesla into outer space, we can launch a delicious bacon egg and cheese up there, too.
So that's basically it. That's the point of this one. Just get those bagel sandwiches up there with the rockets, you know, make the bagels out of rockets, whatever we gotta do. Replace the egg with an avionics system, that's actually a pretty elegant design from a systems standpoint. You know the problem really is you don't have a lot of space. I mean, well okay so space is maybe infinite, in any practical sense, it is the same as infinite, but who knows what's beyond the veil of last scattering, but the point is there isn't a lot of room in the payload. Especially now that we have this really beautiful parquet finishing on all the surfaces, it's great, but it takes up room.
The point is we're focused on making the next breakthroughs. We're doing this for more than the bagels, more than the hangovers and taste sensations and the billions of dollars in development contracts. We're doing this for the pursuit of science. For enlightenment. And to see what comes next.
