Depot Street Mafia: Purveyors of Fine Rocket Ships & Rocket Appliances
Founded in Ludlow's incredibly violent Depot Street neighborhood in 1984, we build motherfucking rocket ships, and we hustle.
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DSM Not Going To Get All Academic On This One
Free Palestine.
End the genocide, arrest the war criminals in charge of the IDF, end colonialism in all its forms, everywhere.
"One day, when it's safe, when there's no personal downside to calling a thing what it is, when it's too late to hold anyone accountable, everyone will have always been against this." - Omar El Akkad, Egyptian-Canadian Journalist.
Everything else on this website is one big joke, and obviously I'm not going to use that tone to talk about an active genocide. But I do think everyone need to be reminded of this reality right at the top, and in every aspect of our lives because, for one thing, even though there's an election underway, neither of the major party candidates are against this genocide. And everywhere you turn, we're just being gaslit by the media and the ruling class, and I honestly don't know what else to do, other than just feel helpless.
So there ya fucking go.
DSM Announces Plans To Start a Landfill
Speaking at the recent Executive Round Table conference at Jones Day, DSM CTO Tim McEnaney released plans from the DSM/Jet Propulsion Laboratory to turn all of Rutland Town, as well as most of Rutland County, in central Vermont, into a massive garbage dump.
"This is a literal extension of something that has been metaphorically true for my entire life, probably for 200 years now. Rutland County is absolute trash. Might as well make a buck off it," added Gangleader Combatti.
"I'm sick of burying used car batteries in city parks for no greater purpose," admitted a drunk-ish Mr. McEnaney, "I need this to be part of larger plan, to turn most of Rutland County into something bigger, something trashier."
DSM Announces Support For Killer Whales; "Fuck It," Says DMS
In an NFT purchased by the Washington Post (for way too much money, btw) DSM Creative Chief Weston Nicoll announced the firm will support the Orcas in their coming war against all humankind.
"Fuck 'em," said Mr. Nicoll, regarding almost all humans. "They had their chance, they blew it. We're doing nothing other than buying shit we don't need to feel more comfortable watching, frankly unwatchable TV. Have you fucking morons actually been paying attention to this shit? What the fuck is even going on here?"
"Our support will be entirely nominal. They don't need, or want our help. We just need you shitbirds to know what's coming," threatened Gangleader Combatti. "We had our chance, we fucked it up, and now we're outgunned. Frankly, I think this is all [James] Cameron's doing, but whatever. Orcas ball; game respect game."
Noting that he had recently watched several episodes of absolutely anything on Apple TV, Mr. Nicoll hoped out loud "that the Orcas will make it a quick death. And please, please, start with whoever is responsible for Ted Lasso."
"That one can be slow," added Mr. Combatti.
DSM Reclaims Roosevelt Island Turf
"Don't call it an annexation, we never really left," threatened DSM Gangleader & CEO Christopher J. Combatti, while vacationing in New York's forbidden burrough. "We own this, we've always owned this, we're sorry we abandoned it, but we're taking it back now."
Rep. Logan Nicoll, who is not affiliated with DSM in any way, even though he lives there and all of his closest friends are top-level executives there and he may or may not have founded the gang and definitely does serve as its Chief Financial Officer, added some bullshit about zoning and ordinances. I don't know, that guy talks all fancy now that he's become all professional.
"Look, what it comes down to is we own it. It's an island, we always wanted an island, but it's also safe, it's right there on the river, we could probably swim to Manhattan if we really needed to. We own an island. This one. This island. Roosevelt Island," said Weston Nicoll, in honestly one of the better paragraphs he's spoken lately.
"We're going to make this a Hot Gangleader Summer," added Mr. Combatti. "We're going to be putting in a tiki bar, lots of fruity rum drinks, lots of ingredients. And garnishes. Lots of garnishes."
DSM Aeronautics Department: "We're More Than Just Motherfucking Rocket Scientists"
At an event celebrating the launch of "GameBird" - the new restaurant venture from DSM and the creators of the Downtown Grocery - DSM Vice President Eric Brown noted that "We know how to fry a motherfucking chicken around here."
While drinking his 14th, 15th, 16th and 17th Bud Light Seltzer of the evening, as well as his 1st, 2nd and 3rd White Russians, Mr. Brown went on to note that the DSM Aeronautics Department has played a crucial role in the development of WTF Chicken's proprietary spice blend (just a recipe we borrowed from Coquette and subbed a few ingredients on, and then combined with some stuff we read about the original Colonel Sanders recipe, and then added maybe a little dehydrated rocket fuel to, or whatever.)
Anyway, we're way past complete sentences now. We're launching fried chicken toward the nearest stars, and toward the center of the galaxy, because we fucking can. Because, as we noted long ago, while the massive tidal forces of the super massive black hole at the center of this galaxy, of the many large stars there, of the super dense dark matter orb there, of the overwhelming power of these structures to inhibit biological life there, if we could reach this space with our own probe, with AI, we would almost certainly encounter the AI, or Dyson-sphere-like-structure of some more advanced civilization. Because if any advanced civilization existed in the first generation of star formation, they would almost certainly have evolved into a type 3 civilization by now. And we should send them our best chicken, so they know we mean well.
DSM Announces Plans To Do An NFT: "Is this still a thing," Asks DSM
"Our customers are hungry for NFTs," declared DSM Chief Creative Officer Weston Nicoll on Monday morning, his beard seeming to grow grayer with every passing breath.
"Or maybe they don't," he wondered aloud. "Are NFTs still a thing?"
"Look, if we do an NFT, you'll fucking buy it. Or maybe you won't. It might not be for sale. That whole thing is a little murky. We're maybe trending Anarcho-Communist these days, so we're not really huge on selling things right now."
DSM Switching To French Revolutionary Calendar; "It's the year 229," Says DSM
"Oh man, Prairial is really flying by. I can not believe it's already almost Messidor," DSM Creative Director Weston NIcoll, said on nonidi, pretending to know what any of that means, and mispronouncing nonidi if we're picking nits.
"We're fomenting a motherfucking revolution here, and you can't do that on capitalist time," continued Mr. Nicoll, marking a well-meaning, but ultimately useless and futile gesture.
"Look, we're kind of backing into this revolution thing here, okay? We're adopting a revolutionary, and deeply flawed calendar. We're paying astrologers and cosmologists to help us figure out when the year starts and ends, and so forth.
"We want a permanent revolution, a massive socio-economic upheaval, poetic names for the months that only make sense within the Paris metropolitan climate, and a 10 day week because we fucking can," lamented Mr. Nicoll, while sipping vin ordinaire and smoking a Lucky Strike.
An advisory from the DSM Board of Directors notes that DSM Motherfucking Rocketships will use both common and revolutionary time for mission purposes, to comply with standards set by NASA, ESA and "all those other space narcs."
DSM to Launch "Integrated Quantum Systems" Branch
"Quantum means small," stated DSM CEO Doctor Chris Combatti, summing up everything he has learned about quantum computers.
"Quantum. Small. Computers. Small Ones? Fast. Are quark jails involved? Is a muon part of it? I believe maybe the Higgs Field comes into play," stated, asked, and stated Mr. Combatti.
"You know what, fuck it, let's do the other one," interjected Not Logan Nicoll. "Let's do Astro Computers. The terraform ones. Let's impregnate the dark matter cluster at the heart of this galaxy with a computer thing to make it all one big computer - not to get technical - but let's computify [sic] the dark matter mega-globule formerly known as Sagittarius A*."
The new branch of DSM, known as DSM/IQuS, or DSM Integrated Quantum Systems, is expected to mostly slander Honeywell, or, "the company that made my shitty window fan," as Not Mr. Nicoll defined it.
"Fucking thing barely works," he elaborated. "Stupid Honeywell can suck an egg."
DSM to re-name GLA Turf
Claiming that "nothing you see here is in any way fungible," DSM Creative Director Weston Nicoll, who is not a doctor, but would like to be called "The Doctor" whenever he discusses NFTs, but anyway, this guy, The Doctor, is going around telling people that the whole DSM website is one big NFT, which isn't true, but he's out there just saying it and no one, no one is trying to stop him man.
"There is an actual species of bird actually named the Bushtit. Another one is called the Andean Cock-of-the-rock. Real scientists use these names in like science records and shit. So yeah, this website is an NFT, it is, as it always has been, for sale, to the highest bidder," meandered The Doctor, who, you know, there was a bit of drinking in the prelude there.
Noting that the website was not built in blockchain, and no single original version of it exists anywhere, whether digitally or, fuck, I mean we don't even sketch this shit out on copier stock folks. This is straight to the website building platform, which I assure you is the cheapest available version of that.
But the point is, laundering money through the DSM NFT IPO, if you will, or whatever Foxconn was doing out there in Wisconsin, hoarding vaccine IP and apparently believing the architect of the modern carceral state was the way to exorcise fascism, we maybe lost the thread here a bit. An NFT is one of the 452 compounds released by a capitalist system in the moments before it obliterates itself. We ran the simulation 1,021 times and in all but 8, an NFT craze preceded the last few months of the capitalist system.
DSM Board of Directors In Statement: "We're more confused than ever about what a 'stock market' is"
Saying the recent Game Stop story had "mind-fucked our collective brain grapes," the DSM Board of Directors announced Sunday that they "feel even further from understanding what a stock market is."
"It sounds a lot like a sports book, except only from 9:30 am to 4pm I think," read the statement, in part. "So basically betting, or rather 'shorting' sounds a lot like playing the 'don't come' line on the craps table?" wondered the board, collectively.
"So a stock's price has nothing to do with the actual value of the company? And this kind of shit is how people's pensions are paid for?" asked basically all of them at once.
"A lot of folks really like money, huh?" read almost every footnote in the statement.
DSM Announces We Have No Idea What To Do With Our Arms While We're Sleeping
"I'm doing a quick count here and, yes, it looks like I have been alive for about 13,944 days now, so I've probably gone to sleep about 13,900 times, I don't know, however many sleeps I missed back when I was doing those nose beers..." reasoned DSM Creative Director Weston Nicoll this morning, while rubbing his shoulder and wincing.
"I have no fucking idea where the arms are supposed to go. Why are they both sore? Why is the one I didn't lie on sore? Why does my entire body feel like I crashed my car head on into a runaway locomotive? Why is my drink empty? Who are all these people?"
Mr. Nicoll also noted that "Was a time I was sleeping next to this little French-Canadian woman every night for 3 years, and I had just no idea what to do with this arm, shoulder, the whole thing. Are they supposed to come off while we sleep?"
DSM Announces Plans to Create a For Profit College
Repeatedly challenging reporters to "drink up, pledge," DSM Chief Audit Executive Tyler Kathan unveiled plans for a DSM college Monday afternoon.
"The most important thing to remember is that we're doing this for the money. These will not be good degrees. You may, incidentally, happen to learn something. You may even become an expert in something. We don't care. We don't care enough to make sure you don't learn anything. We really, really just want your money."
Mr., err, Dr. Kathan also provided the link for a Go Fund Me page supporting the building of the whole university thing, "Which might be called 'The University of the Hard Knocks,' and we want people to pronounce the 'the' the way football players say "The Ohio State University," so don't fuck that up dweeb."
Blah blah blah, people who donate more than $100 to the initial capital fund will get a doctorate. Not an honorary doctorate. A doctorate. A Ph.D., M.D., Ed.D., whatever other kind. D.V.M., D.D.S., i don't know what else there is. A J.S.D., L.L.D., whatever that one is. "You can write prescriptions," explained no one in particular, "You can get fucking zooted up, you can take a fistful of amoxicillin just to see if that does anything. You can take all the valium you can fit in your mouth. No one can tell you not to. It's covid rules now."
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DSM Proposes A New Law Making It Illegal for Members of Congress to Foment An Insurrection
"We have a lot of laws in America, and apparently this isn't one of them," said DSM Chief Legal Counsel Emma Carter. "We should probably fix that."
"If there was a law against it, you would assume a few Members of Congress would have, at the very least, become not Members of Congress anymore in the past week or so," mansplained DSM Creative Director Weston Nicoll. "But there they are still being paid by each of us to make laws on our behalf, and to coordinate their floor speeches with a violent mob they helped to create, So, this law would be against that sort of thing,."
DSM Announces Plans To Find Out How Much Spaghetti Can Fit In Massachusetts
"It's probably a shitload," says DSM
DSM Congratulates USA On *Barely* Upgrading At the "President Position"
Noting that Joseph Robinette Biden Junior is "Not the absolute worst person in the world," The editiors of depotstreetmafia.com have sent their formal congratulations to the people of the United States of America, for ever-so-barely picking a marginally better president than the fucking moron they allowed to rule over them for the previous four years.
"I mean the guy already promised not to change anything *during the Democratic primary* so, you assholes have fun with your country where clearly everything is running perfectly.
"We are, however, hopeful, having recently realized that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be constitutionally eligible to run for president in 2024. And please, for the love of god, do not fuck that up."
DSM Announces Plans To Kick It Old School
Sporting a Trapper Keeper with a sick "Stussy S" hand drawn on the cover, DSM CEO Chris Combatti announced a new initiative to "kick it old school" on Thursday afternoon.
Mr. Combatti, who was wearing some sweet Jnco jeans and a Coed Naked Volleyball tshirt, and sporting a trucker wallet, replete with an extra long chain and belt loop clasp, noted that the street gang intends to "chill out, keep it max, and stay cool," over the coming weeks. He noted that several cases of Red Dog Ale have been delivered to the DSM headquarters in recent days, and that the C-Level staff have begun a program of purchasing weed from states where growing and possession are still illegal "for a more authentic, 90s feel."
"We're smoking massive quantities of ditch weed from Pennsylvania, and it sucks, but it's great in a way," noted Chief Audit Executive Tyler Kathan. "I smoked two joints on the toilet the other day, and I still felt emotions afterward. I smoked two joints in the evening, I smoked two joints before I smoked two joints, and then I smoked two more, and, honestly, I wasn't high at all. It sucks, but it's reminiscent of a time gone by, of the innocence we no longer have..."
DSM Announces
In a move that left everyone at CNBC completely fucking stunned, the DSM Board of Directors announced on Thursday. While top managers had signaled the move in recent weeks, the move still came as a surprise to most market watchers, many of whom were reached for comment.
In a statement posted to an Instagram account most commonly associated with Jerry Garcia memes, CEO Chris Combatti explained the announcement by saying.
Mr. Combatti later followed up, while something something Rube Goldberg device.
DSM Spokesperson Tyler Kathan later clarified. He added.
As Vermont state economist Tom Kavet said. While that may offer some insight into the likely market reactions in the coming weeks, few in the legislature were as willing to accept the announcement at face value.
In a subpoena to appear before the Natural Resources, Fish and Wildlife Committee, Chairperson Amy Sheldon noted, while referring follow-up questions to the committee's general counsel.
Lieutenant Governor David Zuckerman, who is currently running for Governor of Vermont, released a statement as well, which read in part.
In a follow-up email with vtdigger.com, DSM Creative Director Weston Nicoll added "Holy shit this is some good weed."
DSM Announces Launch Of Privately Funded Hurricane, Calls Marco and Laura "Weak," "Lame"
Look, we weren't about to watch a record number of hurricanes go by in the North Atlantic hurricane season without getting our beak a little wet, you know? Maybe it's a bandwagon thing, maybe it's a fad, whatever. We're into it.
The new DSM hurricane project, currently being developed under the working title "Yanni," is aimed at "finally finishing off Florida once and for all," said VP of Hospitality Jon Hanlon.
"Look, I get it, what's the hospitality guy know about building a hurricane, right? Well fuck you motherfucker. I will come at you with the burning intensity of ten thousand quasars. I will eat your fucking fruit cup and shit a hurricane across this entire block," said Mr. Hanlon, as Chris and Tyler cheered him on.
"While I may not have used that exact tone to convey the message, I do understand and appreciate the passion [Jon] has for this project," said CEO Chris Combatti. "Building your first hurricane is an enormous undertaking, and knowing Jon's way of thinking, I'm sure this one will include some sick blues licks and probably more munitions than the Russians used in World War Two."
Added Mr. Combatti, "Florida better watch the fuck out."
DSM Announces Major Gains In Second Quarter Revenues: It's All The Stealing, Says DSM
Ahead of Monday's expected earnings report, DSM Chief Financial Officer "Not Logan Nicoll" announced the firm had vastly exceeded it's projected revenues for Q2 2020. "It's completely socially acceptable to walk into places where there is a lot of money, a lot of booze and other products, while wearing a mask and latex gloves. Shit, even security guards don't want to get within six feet of you now. So, yeah, we brought in some pretty insane revenues this quarter."
However, Not Logan cautioned that the firm saw some down turns in it's Violence Division, as murder for hire and stabbings for hire each contracted severely during the quarantine. Another factor cutting into the projected profits? A lot of that revenue went into buying all the video games and consoles ever made.
"At the end of the day, even during a quarantine, they're keeping those sweet new PlayStations behind the glass, you know? And I mean what the fuck else were we going to do during the quarantine?"
DSM Congratulates UAE On Successful Rocket Launch
Saying "It's [good to have] another three letter initialism in the motherfucking rocketships game," CEO Chris Combatti cheered the recent launch of the Hope spacecraft, "even though they launched using an H-IIA rocket - basically the friendship penis of the motherfucking rocketship game - we nonetheless applaud the UAE for hurling their robot lander in the general direction of Mars."
Mr. Combatti went on to read a letter signed by all members of the Vulgar Assassins, urging the UAE to adhere to the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights.
"I mean what kind of backward ass country is able to launch interplanetary spacecraft, while also spending massive amounts of money to fund secret paramilitary police forces of masked thugs who throw peaceful protesters into unmarked vans and whisk them off to secret detention centers without ever charging them with a crime?" asked Mr. Combatti, while clearing his throat and repeatedly gesturing to the US flag behind him. "Only a real shithole country treats its citizens like armed combatants in a war zone when they exercise a fundamental right to protest for basic human rights, such as ending the extrajudicial murders carried out in daylight by a militarized police force in cities like Dubai (or Minneapolis, or New York, or, fuck, even Burlington, VT.)"
"I mean, you'd have to be a real shit heel to think that's an okay way to run a country. We're not even talking about doing actively good stuff, like most industrial countries do for their citizens. Just stop being bastards.
"Because, I mean you look at all that wealth, I don't know where the UAE ranks as being the richest country in the history of the world or not, but they could certainly probably afford to provide some basic social safety net to their people if the folks who owned all those buildings paid some proportional income tax.
"I mean, I guess what I'm saying is there is a clear lack of moral leadership if that country can afford to launch these space probes and build this infrastructure for its richest oligarchs, but treats the masses of its citizens like cogs in an unforgiving machine, and voids their human rights whenever it becomes convenient for the ruling class.
"But I guess we're not stoning people in the USA."
DSM Apologizes For Blowing Up The Moon, Replacing It With A Newer, Shittier Moon
Hey, look, we're sorry. We blew up the moon, and that was a dick move. We were super drunk the last few months, on account of the whole pandemic thing, and the fact that most of us are practicing alcoholics, but anyway, you know, sorry about blowing up the moon.
As you've probably noticed by now, we replaced it with a slightly larger, slightly shittier moon. This one is mostly made of cat hair, with a little whey leftover from our cheddar-making operation. It stinks. Literally. It smells terrible. It's far enough away that you'll probably never have to smell it, but, just in case, do not get in any rockets that Elon Musk offers you. Do not get in any vehicles belonging to Richard Branson or that bald little fuck from Amazon. Nope, if you don't want to smell the cat hair cheddar moon we built, you're best off in a DSM motherfucking rocketship.
Anyway, we really are sorry. Contrition really isn't our thing. But, we fucked up this time. Mea-god-damn-culpa.
DSM To SpaceX: Real Gs Launch Motherfucking Rocketships Rain or Shine
In a podcast first obtained by the CBS Evening News, the Vulgar Assassins Contingent of top DSM executives claim that they would have been able to launch a crewed mission from launch pad 39A on May 27th at 4:33pm EDT "rain or shine."
"Real Gs launch the motherfucking rocketship even if the weather is a little yucky," claimed Angry Messiah, "We would've gotten those astronauts drunker than they've ever been and shot them into space at twice the speed. And we would've dropped the leftover rocket appliances somewhere useful, like on top of Richard Branson's Range Rover or something."
The escalation in rhetoric comes as SpaceX continues it's move to be the first aerospace company to record a legal launch of humans from US soil since 2011. (While it is widely believed that DSM launches humans to the ISS on the regular, all of their human space launches are completely illegal, and the group faces constant pressure to dismantle the many Rube Goldberg devices that make their motherfucking rocketships possible.)
"We're better at space and partying and partying in space, also," said Beloved Samurai, "If we weren't so busy with more important shit, we would have shown Little E how much better we are at motherfucking rocket science."
DSM Editorial Board: I Can't Even With This Whole Virgin Orbit Thing
Following the failed launch of a "space ship" which Richard Branson is, for some stupid fucking reason, calling "Cosmic Girl," the editorial staff of depotstreetmafia.com responded with a simple "I can't even."
Because, for one thing, why does this idiot give everything these stupid fucking names? Why are all billionaires such god awful creeps? Why are we constantly being forced upon with the absurd and grotesque as if it is the epitome of wit?
"At least Elon launches fucking rockets," said Gangleader Combatti, later adding "most of the time." But, that's a whole other thing.
DSM Announces Plans To Launch The Earth Into Orbit
Y'all are fucked now, because DSM have figured out how to launch the entire earth into outer space. "And just so we're clear," chimed in Tyler Kathan, Chief Audit Executive for DSM, "Don't get it twisted -- do, does anyone still say that? -- we're not talking about launching everyone on the earth up off the earth into orbit. We're talking about launching the actual earth into outer space. The big sphere thing. The, what's the, the ball itself, and not just the earth, but all the water, the insides, the whole thing. The PLANET! It's a fucking PLANET! Jesus, that one was killing me."
The system for propelling the planet is a simple one, and relies on very few mechanical systems, and, for once, there are no Rube Goldberg devices involved. Exactly half the sphere of the earth will be coated in gold, which does not react with hydrogen peroxide, while the other half will be coated in platinum, which reacts strongly to hydrogen peroxide. Then we just have to immerse the planet in hydrogen peroxide, and the work is done.
The beauty of it is we're already sitting on a pretty big store of hydrogen peroxide, because it's a critical component of motherfucking rockership fuel. So we only need to get a little more of that, and we're set.
Now, the coating of the planet with gold and platinum, again, I am pleased to announce there are no Rube Goldberg devices here. Basically, it comes down to getting the more than 30 million recently unemployed folks in the USA to get out some paint brushes. The dice games have been good to us lately, so the gold, we're not worried about that. Platinum, you know, the Taaka Platinum is actually pretty cheap right now, so, we'll get the platinum together.
The hardest part is going to be lowering the earth into the hydrogen peroxide. For that, okay, so we have this idea to turn the rings of saturn into basically a giant fan, which we turn on by powering up this Dyson sphere we built over by the sun. Now we do that in an interesting way. You know, I think it says in the Bhagavad Gita that "If you're a duck, you have to quack." But how do you get a duck to quack, and what purpose does that quacking have? In this case, the duck is made to quack when my grandmother offers it a piece of bread, but this quacking has the added effect of waking up a dozing sumo wrestler who, it should be noted, has severe sleep apnea. As he rubs his eyes, in his sleep apnea-induced fog, he inadvertently brushes off a duck feather which has landed on his nose. This feather, it turns out, is just enough to tip the swinging scale on the ground beneath the couch he was sleeping on. The tipping of the scale allows a small cart to move forward, which it does, until it bumps into a billiard ball which is perched on the ledge of a long, narrow chute, down which it rolls. What's at the bottom of the chute? That part we don't know yet. But, once we do, the Dyson sphere is assembled, and then, you, know, we really have to move the planet, because we'll need to be orbiting a star that isn't completely blacked out by a Dyson sphere, I mean, that should be obvious to everyone, right?
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DSM Puts Doug Loverro On Notice
"Doug Loverro knows what the fuck he did, and he better keep his mouth shut," began a statement from DSM Human Spaceflight Director Andrew Snyder. "D-Lo, as he was sometimes known around the launch pads, had a good run, but he forgot the number one rule of spaceflight: if you abort the engine test, you buy the next round."
The statement from Mr. Snyder, which was approved by Gangleader Combatti and General Counsel Emma Carter, goes on to remind Mr. Loverro that "snitches end up in ditches."
"Doug was always the hall monitor of human spaceflight, you know? Like, we'd be trying to get a dice game in the space station, and Doug's the guy who has to chime in 'No bets over $10,000 on NASA property,' or 'you can't bet someone their own limb in a dice game.' He was such a fucking narc," added Gangleader Combatti.
DSM Announces Temporary Ceasefire in War With SpaceX, Immediately Cancels Said Ceasefire
Elon Fucking Musk stole our Motherfucking Rocketship simulator, is the first thing you have to know.
Okay, I'm sorry, but you just have to know that part first. Little E used to work for us, and when he did, you know, he was the star pupil. We let him in the vault. Taught him all the secrets for building hard AF Fuck rocket appliances, turned him into a fully made man in the Vulgar Assassins. Then, all the sudden, the Tesla Model 3 comes out, and Little E doesn't want to launder bagel sandwich royalties, wants to build stainless steel rockets, and doesn't want to get black out drunk on homemade whiskey in Low Earth Orbit. So fuck him, he's out, right?
But then SpaceX gets the contract to bring NASA Astronauts up to the ISS, and we're like, all right, Repeatedly challenging reporters to "drink up, pledge," DSM Chief Audit Executive Tyler Kathan just dropped to blueprint for DSM's forthcoming "University of the Hard Knocks," as well as a Go Fund Me page supporting that whole thing. "Anyone who donates more than $100 gets a doctorate. A real one. ILittle E's turned a page. Because the ISS is a den of debauchery. Everyone in the motherfucking rocketship game knows, you don't go to the ISS with anything less than a duffel bag full of pure Colombian cocaine, and three stacks of high society. So we send our emissaries over to the SpaceX test pads, and we extend the olive branch. Maybe we can put a pause to the hostilities, at least during Gludfest 2020. I mean, we don't necessarily need this smoke going up during the 50 day celebration coming up, right?
And then I wake up Tuesday fucking morning, and those SpaceX honkies have my goddamn rocket simulator on their website. So I call Chris, and quickly this turns into a Zoom call with all the C-Level staff, and the consensus is clear, the war is on.
And what the fuck, just give a kid an actual name, fucking asshole. No numbers, nothing that makes us all have to acknowledge you took a math class in college. Just a name. Your grandparents names, your best friend's name. The names of the kings and queens of Great Britain. Just a name. An actual name. Or even a word, like, from the dictionary. Fucking asshole. Give the kid a name. You've heard of names before, right? Give your kid one. And, as always, you best not bring that weak ass falcon heavy around our test pads.
But, maybe more importantly, I'm glad the fucking war is back on, because Low Earth Orbit is a little more exciting when someone's right about to die, you know? I mean, why else bring the boom stick up there? It's kind of like, you know, Larry Bird needed Magic Johnson out there. Otherwise, there was just no reason to play. So fuck you Elon.
DSM Announces Critical Breakthrough in Plans to Blow Up the Moon
Calling the "Super Flower Moon" a "proper send off for the old girl," Chief Creative Officer Weston Nicoll announced that DSM have made a breakthrough with a crucial technology that will help DSM Aerospace make it's goal of blowing up the moon by July 4th.
"We figured out how to monetize this thing. We figured out how to put a pop-up ad on the website, so we can extort people. Unfortunately, you know, I guess if anyone pays up we can't really blow up the moon, which is a shame, because we have a really elegant way of doing that, too."
Mr. Nicoll added, "In a way, I hope nobody does pay up. But if they do, I guess we get that money, so we have that then. But if they don't, I just pull this lever, and 4 or 5 weeks later, no more moon."
Like seemingly every device DSM has built since promoting Tim McEnaney to CTO, the moon destruction apparatus is a bit of a Rube Goldberg device. A complex set of levers, pulleys and inclines will be used to, for instance, cause a woodchuck to bite into a banana, which in turn will cause a rotund man to fall onto a trampoline, which will launch a bowling ball onto a lever, which will, well, you really have to see the damn thing. There is an entire chorus line waiting on standby as we speak, and the third bar on their performance causes their collective projection to turn a windmill that powers a robotic marionette to turn a crank that causes two rubber mitts to tickle a, okay I'm getting away from the point again.
The moon is toast, is pretty much what I mean to convey. Unless we get that $8.50.
"Because of the distance involved, and all the steps, I have to pull this lever no later than June 8th if it's going to lead to the dog barking at the sleeping man in time for his semi-conscious waving to knock over the end table with the cleaver on it that cuts the string that's holding back the, I mean you get the point," added Mr. Nicoll.
DSM Calls Out The Universe For Existing, Announces Move Into "Green Rockets"
Almost everyone on Wall Street had their fucking minds blown on Wednesday as DSM rang in the opening of the NYSE by pointing out that the existence of the universe is pretty fucking wild, when you think about it. "I mean, just the fundamental weirdness of the universe at the Planck length, the aleatory movement of the smallest particles, or on the other extreme, this giant cosmic honeycomb of a galactic supercluster we're in. Like, why would any of this even be?" asked a visibly stoned Chief Technology Officer Tim McEnaney.
"Anyway, we're proud to announce a new propulsion system for our DSM OWL-series motherfucking rocketships. These fucking, these rockets man, motherfucking rocketships," continued Mr. McEnaney, seemingly losing his train of thought before wandering off stage.
The new DSM OWL-series motherfucking rocketships, are designed for cargo delivery, satellite launches and installing modules for the eventual DSM Space Pod (a combination space research station, luxury hotel and podcast studio).
The propulsion system for the OWL-series motherfucking rocketships is completely carbon neutral. The payload is propelled by an overly complicated system of turbines and pulleys that effectively use the thrust created by propelling the rocket to harness more power for propelling the rocket, which in turn makes the rocket go faster, so that there is more thrust,which produces more power so the rocket goes faster, so there is more thrust, which produces more power, so the rocket goes faster, so there is more thrust, which means okay so now you have more power, so the rocket goes even faster now, so there's more thrust, and then eventually you die, and everyone who ever knew you dies, and everything you built you thought might last forever collapses, and then the sun consumes the entire earth, and then the sun collapses, and eventually the universe itself reaches a point where the is no thermodynamic free energy, when the last black hole has dissolved. And nothing escapes that. Or maybe the universe is shaped more like a curve, or arc, or sphere, and it never ends. I mean, what would be scarier, that it ends someday, or that it never does? We're using wind power to launch a fucking rocket now, and we've rigged up this sort of rube goldberg-fibonacci idea to launch the fucking thing, and then you're wondering, how many universes are there? How many iterations of the same one, of the same you? How many fucking electrons are out there, or is there even such thing as an electron? Is everything just some fluctuation in a quantum field, and do those quantum fields exist in multiple realities, or even universes, simultaneously? It would be nice to think that you die and your mind, the indefinite, metaphysical mind, goes on existing, inhabiting a new consciousness, or existing in some entirely new way, so that you have always been, and always will be, but without having to be conscious of the eternity of it all. But just because that would be the best solution, doesn't mean it is what is.
The OWL-series rockets are in design and component test phase currently, with the first structural tests planned for October 2020, and the first payload launch planned for the summer of 2021.
"We're doing what NASA and Little E are too afraid to do. All these other space jokers are relying on continuous thrust, just burning fuel to keep pushing against gravity. We're all, fuck gravity. We got a rocket propulsion system that's a giant fucking slingshot to reach full on escape velocity," added Mr. McEnaney.
DSM Issues Statement Regarding Joe Biden Being A Rapist
In response to the increasing revelations regarding past assault allegations against former Vice President Joe Biden, the DSM Board of Directors were completely fucking dumbfounded that they had to actually be the ones to issue the following statement:
"We're not having this bullshit. Joe Biden needs to exit the stage, permanently. Go back to Scranton and die there, peacefully, in a comfortable bed, surrounded by your family, fuckhead. Because we really, honestly, we're not joking here. We literally, not figuratively, not metaphorically, we literally can't believe we have to say this again, but don't be a fucking rapist. This goes for everyone. Overwhelming, almost exclusively men, but everyone. If someone says don't touch them, then just don't touch them. And if your first move is to grab a prospective mate by the crotch...get a new move you fucking pervert."
In a follow-up statement, Chief Technology Officer Tim McEnaney noted that "being President can't be much harder than building actual motherfucking rocketships that go up to actual motherfucking outer space, so maybe Logan would be a good replacement on top of the ticket."
For his part, Logan Nicoll, who represents the Rutland-WIndsor 2 district in the Vermont Legislature, and definitely isn't the Chief Financial Officer of an organization run by all of his immediate family and closest friends, said that while a Presidential run seems premature, this is yet another salient moment to remind everyone that "maybe grabbing someone's bathing suit areas shouldn't be your first move."
Eager to chime in at every such occasion, CEO Chris Combatti noted that "If you go looking for anything, a dick, a pussy, whatever new sex organs the [college] kids have these days, it's just not ready for that kind of treatment at a moment's notice. Maybe, just maybe, even if you're a senator or a tv star, just try, I don't know, asking first? I mean, I can't believe I have to say this. But just fucking ask, before you try fucking someone. You fucking idiot."
DSM Announces Plans To Sell T-Shirts
Gangleader and CEO Chris Combatti called an emergency meeting of the board of directors at 4 in the god damn morning today. The reason we all had to leave the bar and head over to the board room? Apparently we're selling fucking tshirts now.
Look, I haven't been to bed in a couple days, so I could be remembering this wrong, but some of the t shirts sound actually pretty cool. There is one that's a parody of the european space agency logo, of course ESA is replaced with DSM. There's one that implies you're a "rocket surgeon." The one Chris was wearing in the meeting was a little on the nose, just a black shirt with white block letters that say "Fuck a Local." Apparently for ski season...
Head on over to the DSM Shop and check 'em out I guess. Okay. Have a good day now.
DSM Announces Change To Corporate Structure
On Friday, Weston Nicoll, Vice President of Aerospace Engineering & Motherfucking Rocketships for Depot Street Mafia, made a rare public appearance apart from his persona "Angry Messiah." In a wide-ranging Zoom conference, Mr. Nicoll announced a restructuring of the corporate hierarchy of DSM.
"It marks a milestone for our business. The website, and particularly the food blog, have grown to a point that we've had to hire more staff, more managers, and we've had to add an internal accounting department. At the same time, our beef with Little E is heating up, we need more security, more motherfucking rocketships, and there's a pandemic going on."
The beef with Elon Musk, "Little E," concerns SpaceX's recently announced launch date to send astronauts to the International Space Station in their Crew Dragon craft, which many consider an unprovoked attack on the DSM Motherfucking Rocketship program, as well as the DSM Food Blog.
"We've had to expand our staff in some areas, we've had to close our inner circle in others, and we've had to learn to separate some tasks," added Chris Combatti, Gangleader and CEO. "We've made the decision to buy out our investors, to take DSM back into a limited partnership while we navigate the opportunities and challenges ahead."
"Day to day, we remain committed to the thug life, to the crimes and scandals and food blog content our guests and victims have grown to love, or at least tolerate," added Mr. Nicoll. "We're going to continue getting super drunk, and we're going to continue firing motherfucking rocketships in the general direction of outer space. And when we get tired of that, we'll write some more blog posts. So there's that."
DSM Reaffirms Intent to "Remain Hard As Fuck"
At an event to celebrate DSM's restructure as a limited liability private partnership, DSM CEO and Gangleader Chris Combatti reaffirmed that the intent of the quixotic gang's leadership is to "remain hard as fuck."
"We've got Little E out there shooting up satellites and chauffeuring astronauts around, and Bezos has his nubbed-shaped dick rocket blasting off, so I just want everyone to know that DSM is keeping it steep out here," said Mr. Combatti.
In a follow-up conference call with reporters, DSM Chief Creative Officer Weston Nicoll noted that the gang remain committed to launching motherfucking rocketships, and to continue their illegal hustles and violence. "At the end of the day, getting up to LEO is what it's all about. You just can't get proper drunk here on earth. You need that low gravity. And we can't afford to be firing off all these motherfucking rocketships without putting in our hustle. We have a lot of enemies. We can't let the Russians and the Serbs start thinking this turf is open. I mean fuck, Tyler has contracts out..."
DSM Receives Patent for "Space Fire Extinguishers," Announces Plans For "Space Fire Department."
Weston Nicoll, the Executive Editor of the DSM Food Blog, announced today that DSM have received a patent for their controversial "space fire extinguisher."
"Not many people realize the danger of space fires. We're up in LEO all the time, and space fires happen all the time. For one thing, the sun is basically just a giant space fire asshole, And outside the heliosheath, I mean the universe is basically just one big space fire. But it's more than that. I mean, motherfucking rocketships are basically half fire, so you're constantly just fighting space fires up there," said Mr. Nicoll.
The DSM Space Fire Extinguishers build on existing fire extinguisher designs, with a few important modifications. The DSM Space Fire Extinguishers use a proprietary blend of Switchback Ale and amphetamines to quell fires, and, most importantly, they are painted blue (not red) and have large block-letter print that says "SPACE," on the side.
It's, look, it's really something. I'm sorry this article isn't as good as some of the others, but we're trying here guys. I mean, we invented a space fire extinguisher here. Sorry we didn't write about it so good. Fucking assholes. I mean, you write a food blog then.
DSM Announces Plans To Blow Up The Moon
On September 18, 2019, the 20th anniversary of the founding of BabbleWorks, Inc., DSM Vice President Tim McEnaney announced the "DSM Moonshot," a plan to literally, not figuratively, not metaphorically, but literally shoot the moon.
"We've been sketching this idea on bathroom stalls and drafting tables for about 20 years now," said a visibly inebriated Mr. McEnaney. "Our goal is a straightforward one. We will pack the moon with explosives, and then launch a big explosive rocket into it. It's a moonshot. Get it? Say good bye to the moon motherfuckers. It's toast."
The moonshot idea is said to stem from an ongoing beef between the Vulgar Assassins contingent of DSM and the concept of tidal currents. Mr. McEnaney is said to have purchased several acres of shorefront along the Pacific coast of Chile in recent years, only to discover that, despite the name "Pacific," the shorefront is not peaceful, and is in fact subject to extreme shifts in tidal velocity depending on the position of the moon.
Sources within the Vulgar Assassins claim Mr. McEnaney was influenced by a Glud cartoon from 2010 depicting the six-legged curmudgeon blowing up the moon with tnt and an old-fashioned detonator box, not unlike those depicted in Looney Tunes cartoons.
The plan is also seen as a move in the ever deepening chess match between DSM's Motherfucking Rocketships program and space exploration agencies including those of Israel, India, ESA, and NASA's Artemis program. As several nations and rival corporations plan moon exploration projects, DSM are determined to maintain their traditional turf, even if that means blowing it the fuck up.
"We will blow up the motherfucking moon. We will blow it the fuck up," explained Gang Leader Chris Combatti. "Every now and then, some fool sticks their toe across the line, and then you gotta make them wish they didn't do that. You gotta roll up on them. You gotta blow up the moon if you have to."
The moon detonation project is set to culminate on the "Full Buck Moon" of 2020, which happens to fall on the 4th of July. "Nature only affords us these moments of pure poetry every so often," said DSM Food Blog Director Weston Nicoll. "As the director of Vermont's most important food blog, I am personally managing this moonshot initiative [blah blah blah]..."
DSM Announces Hostile Take Over Of Low Earth Orbit, Calls Elon Musk "A Dumb Little Bitch."
Few on Wall Street were surprised as Depot Street Mafia (Dow: DSM) opened trading on Tuesday by calling out Elon Musk for "Cunting up [space] real hard." As Gangleader Chris Combatti said, "Low earth orbit belongs to DSM motherfuckers. Real Gs only up there from now on."
The escalation in rhetoric comes after the hotly contested split of DSM from SpaceX, and their one time protege Elon Musk. DSM were early sponsors of the Falcon 9 motherfucking rocketship, but the relationship soured in the late fall of 2017. Elon Musk, then known as "Fearless Mercenary," and widely believed to be a member of the upper tier of the DSM hierarchy known as the "Vulgar Assassins," bitched out of the gang following poor third quarter performance at Tesla.
It is worth noting that, as Tesla is widely believed to be a front operation for laundering bagel sandwich extortion money, since the split between Musk and DSM, Tesla valuations have plummeted.
In a statement released through the DSM field office in Montreal, Vice President for Aerospace Engineering & Motherfucking Rocketships Weston Nicoll said DSM have put "Little E" on notice. "The next time that little bitch wants to take his little rocket up to LEO, he best bring a motherfucking gun," Mr. Nicoll said through an interpreter. "Everyone knows Elon worked for us for a long time. We let him into the vault, told him all the tricks for building motherfucking rocketships that are hard as fuck. He wants to build soft ass bitch rocketships, fuck him. He better watch himself though. I better not catch him wearing blue."
DSM Astronomers Announce They Figured Out The Origins of Jupiter
For years, scientists have been baffled at the formation of Jupiter. Now, thanks to research made possible by all that bagel sandwich money, DSM Astronomers have figured it out.
In the current model of planetary formation, gas giants form in the further reaches of a star system, and eventually move into a very near orbit of their star. Jupiter, however, is locked in an orbit near the middle of our solar system. Why?
"According to our model, Jupiter formed around the neighborhood of what is now Uranus, and over a period of about 700,000 years moved into it's current orbit.
"We were able to observe the Trojan groups, the sort of entourage of asteroids that share Jupiter's orbit. The imbalance in the size of these two groups creates a few conundrums. As we modeled the creation of these patterns, we were like, holy shit, there's really only one explanation.
"Jupiter was a fucking asteroid once, man, like a fucking acorn of space. 4.5 billion years ago, that shit was about 18 AUs away from the sun, and started tumbling toward the sun about 3 million years ago. It was still mostly rock then, accreting more rock from the trojan group as it went. The core is probably pretty similar to those trojans."
As everyone at DSM have long said, gas giants can't form close to a star, because the gravity and the heat resulting from stellar radiation would prevent the gases from collecting, to say nothing of the stellar winds. The idea that Jupiter would have formed close to the sun and moved outward was always, you know, just fucking dumb.